I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
