I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
