we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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