is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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