you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
