I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
