Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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