Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
