Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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