Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
