You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize