I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
