The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
3 2 1 whiskey
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
