he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
this beer tastes like vomit already
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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