My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I think I just sharted jello shots
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