I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
