Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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