Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
