I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How does one acquire holy water?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
