She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
