It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
