He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
