I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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