Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
