My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
