Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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