just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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