So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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