I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
