Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize