OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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