i always forget guys have bellybuttons
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
