from now on my penis is your penis
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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