my phone needs a breathalizer
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
