I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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