Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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