I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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