True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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