so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
