Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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