We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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