I love having hate sex.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
