Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
