"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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