Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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