I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
