I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
