it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
