tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
