He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
