My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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