Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
