I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
