Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
